My joy was gone. I wasn’t sure what happened- but I had lost my joy. I wasn’t sure when it had left, or why, but I knew that was what was wrong.
I had gotten snippy with the kids. Snippy with my husband. My fuse would blow quicker than an overworked fuse. Everything flustered me. I didn’t know why it was happening, or when it started- but I sat on my bed, trying to do some soul searching, and realized the missing ingredient was my joy.
Where had my joy gone?
The year had been a rollercoaster of emotions. We had been given another adoption match and waited 5 very long weeks for that sweet baby to make its arrival. Got the call that I had been praying for – the baby was here, the baby was a girl, and we could go to the hospital.
So, we did. And we held that sweet baby girl in our arms and cried tears of joy. We spent all day holding her, calling her by her sweet name, and taking tons of pictures. The nurses told us she could go home the next day – so we went home (because we had to!) and got up early to go get our baby from the hospital.
But, before we could get there, the worse kind of call came in. Worse than the call that changed everything just one year before. I didn’t think it could get worse than that- but I was wrong. So wrong.
I’m sorry. Things don’t look good this morning. Don’t go any further. We will call you when we know something more.
My heart was panicked – but I knew that God had good in store for me. Good in store for this sweet baby girl.
So, we went home and waited – and the second call came.
I don’t know how to tell you this. She changed her mind. I am so sorry.
Yes, we held her. We fell in love with her. But we did not bring her home.
Even now, eight months later, that still stings. The pain from that kind of loss does not go away. It feels like the death of a child.
God knew what he was doing – and one month to the day later, we were bringing home Judah. Our sweet baby boy was waiting in the wings of our darkest hour – and we had no idea.
So, the roller coaster when from complete loss and devastation – to complete joy and love in a matter of 28 days.
The months that have followed have been a whirlwind. Up all night, early mornings, smiles, coos, and even now, a crawling bouncing boy. Yet, in my heart, there is still a little girl that I often think about. My emotions have been all over the map – and these are only the things I share about.
I didn’t share that a close friend of mine went through a painful divorce.
I didn’t share that we almost lost my mother in law and that she now lives with us.
I didn’t share we had almost 4 months of construction on our home to make that happen.
I didn’t share that we have had to financially handle the back end of the adoption and that we had to trust God for the lawyer fees.
I didn’t share that we lost the great grandmother to my children (from their birth mom) just one month from bringing Judah home.
I didn’t share that we never got Judah over to see her- and the regret I feel with that.
I didn’t share that many of my close friends were going through hard times- and I felt alone in this new stage of life.
We don’t always share about everything that goes on in our lives. I have to protect those I love. You don’t come here for my dirt or my complaints – you come here for encouragement.
You come here for joy.
And I feel like I ran low on that.
So, I couldn’t think of a better way to start the year than by producing a series on joy. About letting others pour into you – and allowing the joy from their lives to overflow.
For the next 31 days, you will get a post a day on joy. Some from me, and some from others. I know they will be a blessing to you.
Oh, and don’t worry friend. I took the time to rekindle my joy – but I will share how this month!
Rekindling Your Joy Series Links:
As each post goes live, you will be able to find them all here!
Rekindiling the Joy of Parenthood
Worshiping With My Life,