I wanted to throw the phone. I wanted to scream, and I wanted to lay down on the ground, right there in K*Mart and throw a 2 year old type tantrum.
The phone call was suppose to bring tears. Happy tears. Tears of rejoicing that we were going to get our baby girl.
Instead, all I could hear was my social worker telling me words I did not want to hear- and chocking back tears herself.
It didn’t look good. I knew it my heart it wasn’t good.
All just one week from Mother’s Day.
We had been matched just a few weeks earlier. Our adoption journey had been long and hard – 2 years of waiting, wondering, planning, and praying. Yet, the call came in on that bright Thursday – and I just felt peace in my heart. We met the birth mom – and she was just like we had prayed it would be.
There was little fear in my heart even though we had already had one adoption fall through. I just knew it wouldn’t happen to me again.
The truth is, it wasn’t anything like the first time – it was one hundred times worse.
We got the call on a Tuesday morning that Baby girl had arrived. At 11:00, we were being ushered into a hospital room, and just a few minutes later – they wheeled her in.
She was breath taking. Everything I had dreamed of.
We snuggled, we kissed cheeks and her sweet button nose. We dressed her and took her picture. We got alone time with her. We changed diapers and were spit up on. We cuddled, and cried and bonded. Called her by name. All day long.
As we left the hospital – I kissed those sweet cheeks and told her I would be back tomorrow.
Tomorrow isn’t coming.
I can’t go into details, but tomorrow didn’t come for that little one and I.
In my heart, I know the right things to say. That is is a positive thing that this birth mom gets to parent her sweet little one. Yet, she felt right in my arms. Looks perfect snuggled on my husband’s chest. I know she wasn’t mine- not legally, not biologically.
Yet, the heart doesn’t understand that. The heart goes beyond legalities and biology.
I know we were meant to be in this sweet girls life for a reason – and for this season. I know this birth mom needs our love, support and prayers. Their road is never easy.
But my road isn’t easy today.
Going back to church was hard. I questioned why I got to hold her, meet her and love her. Her face is forever in my mind – and she will always have a spot in my heart.
They can choose to not let me parent her- but they can’t make me stop loving and praying for her.
Yet, I was thankful for community. For women of faith who cried with me – and for me – and out to God when I didn’t have words left to say. That, my friends, is what the body of Christ is suppose to do.
I was reminded of the story of Moses, where Aaron and Hur had to hold up his arms – and the battle would be won. I am thankful for the women, both in my local church and my home town – and around the world- that are holding up my arms right now.
Because I am worn. I am weak. Yet, there is still a battle going on.
Mother’s Day is coming -and it isn’t going to be easy. I have three amazing, beautiful blessings from God that will celebrate me. Yet, I know they miss their Mama in Heaven. God has chosen me to be their Mama now, to fill in the gap – He has made me that Mom that they need right now. No one else will do. I take comfort in that.
Yet, there is still a little girl out there- two actually – that hold pieces of my heart. Pieces I can’t get back, because forever they belong to them. They can be healed – but they are forever touched by the lives of the girls that God gave to us- if even for just a moment.
Maybe you are like me, and are dealing with the fact that you have lost a child. No matter in what way – adoption loss, miscarriage, angel babies – you know the pain you feel. It is real. Go ahead – feel it.
Maybe you have a child that is wayward – that won’t be sitting with you in church or coming over bringing flowers. Go ahead- feel it.
Maybe you struggle with infertility– and don’t know if you will ever hold a child. Go ahead – feel it.
Maybe you have lost your mother, grandmother, or someone who was like a mother. You miss them more now than ever- this is for you too. Go ahead- feel it.
No matter what grief you carry this Mother’s Day – go ahead and feel it.
Feel it now. Before Mother’s Day comes. Ann Voskamp recently shared an article called ” The Art of Pre-Grieving So Mother’s Day isn’t ruined” I could not agree more. No matter what is making you sad as Mother’s Day approaches – feel it. Now.
Then, look at those who are here. Live in this moment. Surround yourself with those who are here and present and celebrate.
Satan steals so much joy from us when we live in these hard places longer than we should. Bitterness takes root – and the roots grow deeper and deeper if we let it. Instead, choose to deal with the anger, the hurt, the bitterness – the grief – and feel it.
Then, go live.
This song is “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey – and it is a favorite of mine. it is a part of my adoption playlist– but it goes with any loss you might have had. May it minister to your heart and soul today!
Worshiping With My Life,