Friday dawned like any other day. Birds chirping. Sunshine. I had no way of knowing what the day had – but God did. His mercy was extended to me long before the day ever started- for it was a day off from work. Otherwise, I would have been at work when the phone rang.
I had been up cleaning and nesting in my closet. With just 5 days till baby girl was due to come into the world via c-section, I had a lot to do. My heart was in prayer for our birth mom – who I could. not. shake. We knew things had been a little uncertain, but I had decided I was claiming our baby – until God told me otherwise. There is no other way to process the wait for baby. You have to think positive.
We had some paperwork to turn in to the adoption agency, so I wasn’t shocked when the phone rang. However, the voice on the other end, did not say the words I wanted to hear.
Birth Mom had a rough night last night. She called her worker. We just feel like you should know- she has decided that she is going to parent. I am so sorry.
The rest of the conversation was kind of a blur – did we want to go on the waiting list, or did I need time to grieve? Did I have questions? Would we still be open to this birth mom should she change her mind at the last minute (a very, very, very slim possibility, but they needed to just in case). I answered the questions to the best of my ability, and tried to get through the phone call.
When I finally hung up the phone, the silence filled the air, and I felt like I was choking. My eyes were blurred with tears as I dialed hubby’s number. I explained the situation to him – and then began telling those who needed to be told.
It didn’t get easier with any of those phone calls. Or when we told the kids (we had originally just told them we were praying for a specific birth mom, and that she was thinking about our family – they did not know many specifics. However, with a child with Asperger’s syndrome, that was important).
It wasn’t easier on Saturday – and as I write these words, tears blur my vision, and pain grips at my heart.
The pain is real. But so is my God.
He has held my hand each step of this journey. He continues to hold me now.
I know He thinks good, and not evil toward me. I know He has plans – plans to prosper me. I know He has the perfect baby out there.
In the mean time, we grieve. We decided on a name for her that was different than the one we plan on giving a baby girl. We decided on April Noelle.
April means Open. She has opened my heart – to loving another, to grief, to feeling and moving. She has opened a place of my heart that forever belongs to her.
Noelle means “Christmas” – seems funny for a baby born in spring. However, she is a gift to me, and she reminds me that God gave His child – so that we could know Him. I hope her story can help others come to know Him.
. I know there are going to be hard days. I know Wednesday, April 1st is going to be extremly hard, as my baby girl is born into the world. She will walk this planet with me, but I will never hold her – and never know her. However, I know that God does not waste our pain, He does not waste our tears. He uses them to bring us to the ultimate place of Healing and Grace…right where He wants us to be. Then, we can be vessels to help others who are hurting.
I have given my life to be an instrument of praise. My praise will be a sacrifice – but I am ready to give it. Through the tears.
Please pray for our family as we heal. I know there will probably be more post as we walk through this process. Thank you for being such a supportive community- and for giving me a place to be real and vulnerable.
To read more of our adoption story – start at the beginning.
Worshiping With My Life (Even in this moment),