A few weeks ago, we finished our home study process. I wrote the post about this first visit- and how you can prepare. However, what they don’t usually tell you when you are starting the process is that the word “home study” doesn’t mean one visit- it means multiple visits and talks – and it means digging down and sharing things you might not have talked about in a long time.
Our second visit didn’t happen in our home- it happened at the adoption agency. I didn’t get to go with my hubby- we had to go alone. I walked into the agency that day not really knowing what to expect. I was met by our social worker – and taken into her office – and there, sat a couch.
Yes, a couch. I didn’t think of it much at first. I mean, one of my old pastors had a love seat in his office at one time. Comfy chairs. I figured it was just a nice and comfy place to sit. I was then asked to fill out a questioneir. I felt like I had already filled out a ton of paper work. After all, another term for adoption is “paper pregancy”. So, I filled in the survey about drug and alchol use. Wasn’t hard since I never struggled with those things.
We began to talk, and I realized why there was a couch. I felt like I was being psychoanalyzed. We talked about my whole life- and how I dealt with the cards I had been given. From having only a mom till I was three, adjusting to having a step dad (which was hard- since I don’t remember ever adjusting!), the entrance of sibblings, being picked on, my families socioeconomic status. College. Past relationships. The list was long- and old hurts came back up.
I left the office feeling different than when I walked in. I know the reason WHY behind the questions – but I still struggled with the old feelings that were there. Feelings of not being accepted or loved. Not being enough. I had the day off that day, and so I took myself to the local coffee shop, and pulled out my trusty Bible. God spoke very boldly to me that day as I read Psalm 139. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. His thoughts toward me are precious- and more than the numbers of sand on the shore. He knew me in my innermost being. He created me. He loved me.
It was in those moments, as I read these reassuring words, that I remembered the process that I am in- adoption. That I am going to bring a baby home who is going to have to deal with some of these same feelings. Even though we will always tell our child how loved they were by their birth mom – there might be questions of that love. Even though we won’t care if their skin looks like ours- they might get asked hard questions or get picked on. They will have to adjust- even though they are a baby, I won’t be the voice they are used to, or the smell of their birth mom. They will get siblings. Their story will be written differently then others. God will use that.
I saw God weave my story into the story of my unborn child. I cried tears of joy as I understood – from Heavens persepctive – why some of the things have happened to me over my life. I felt incrediably loved in that moment- that God would care so much for me, that He would plan out things that would bring me to this very moment- and prepare me “for such a time as this”.
I was able to praise Jesus in that coffee shop. I am sure I looked like a crazy girl. I am. Crazy in love with Jesus- and the child He is forming for our family.
I say all that – for this reason- God’s ways are higher then ours. If you are going through an adoption, and you are in the part of the journey where you are being “studied” – remember – God wrote your story. Let others study it so that they may see the fingerprints of God all over you, and praise Him for His unique care over YOUR life.
Don’t forget- this week we are promoting the bundle sale that will help with our adoption. ALL of the funds raise -every dollar given- will go toward that adoption. We are trusting God for 1,000 bundles to sell – can you help?
If you are interested in the other parts of our adoption story, you can find them below: